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Dear You,

Now that you’re leaving baroda I’m wondering how good times end. I’ve had this conversation several times with several people in the past one month. Sometimes I’ve cried, sometimes I’ve laughed over the feeling. It indeed feels like an end of an era. The long hours spent at archaeology, cracking jokes, bitching, gossiping. There’s certain amount of fixation on the past three years.

Everyone goes thru this phase and I don’t know whether I’m just making a big deal of this whole thing. But I value people around me, people who’ve shaped me, people who’ve stood by me and people with whom I’ve spent the (archaeo) rocking time with.

Times change and so do people and so do the feelings attached with them. Time erodes some memories, sometimes reinforces them. Times spent with you though have been quite a roller coaster. And you know why I say that. We’ve hit both, the rock bottom and the peak in our moments of anger and laughter. And I truly thank Time for having healed a certain patch in our friendship.

It means a lot to me when a friend goes away. There’s some kind of proportional anomaly with distance and the bond that you share with a person. Neither of us will be filthy rich in the next couple of years to have our frivolous lil’ laughter on or about other people over the phone. We may or may not find the time to write long emails that include the trivia of life. It’s a change, I am trying to get myself used to, life sucks at crossroads. One simply doesn’t know from where and when a cargo truck will hit you. Sorry for being macabre but isn’t it really like that? Or mebbe I am just being very dramatic.

So many things and so many people have changed in the years gone by. There are a couple of things I regret or feel angered at. Unfortunately there’s no second chance or an alternative. And I don’t think I have the courage to have it all rewind and correct certain situations.

That’s why I contemplate over the mistakes I’ve made. The mistakes others have made. If we could magically delete these mistakes I think I would have some more wonderful things to write here. But would it be equally thrilling to have it all perfect, all rose scented moments? There can perhaps be a hundred different answers to that but I really don’t care to find them.

You’ve had some miserable times with the two guys in baroda. The other being you know who. As much as I don’t wish to comment on the whole issue, I just want to mention that despite things having gone sore I still cherish life as it were then. Somehow, secretly I also feel it would’ve been much better if we sat together and sorted it out and I wouldn’t be writing these things right now. All three of us screwed it up equally, how much I wish we could do something about it and stay connected from wherever we are. And pigs will fly!

You know, even when I remember these things now, I still feel angry and upset. No calls before he left, like we didn’t exist, like we didn’t matter. Stubbed out like a used cigarette. And then I tell myself, LIKE I CARE! No, I really don’t care any longer and I’m not fooling anybody with that. I’ve never known what’ve been the issues with you two and the lil relationship u shared for whatever amount of time. I don’t know how special the whole thing was to the two of you, I’ve never gathered guts to tell u this but it was important for me in its own way. The same kind of feeling u shared when u came to know I was seeing her. And then we all suffered the domino effect.

Coming to think of it, I think we have more bitter memories to look back on and we’d be fooling ourselves trying to desperately find a diamond in the pile of coal. It’s all stale, bitter and sour. The three of us.

Have we been unfair to him? Well, maybe. We never came to know why he was prompted to behave the way he did. Was something terribly wrong? Did some third person or some third possibility further ruin the whole chance of sustaining our friendship?

What’s truly important to me right now is to tell you that I’ve shared the glorious phase of my life with you and you in your little way have kept pouring in laughter and challenge for me. You know, some people just like to forget the Laughter. But now that you’re leaving I really want you to have fond memories from Baroda. Let the bygones be bygones, let the bastards be bastards.

If it weren’t for the two plays, I don’t even know if I would know that you’re leaving tomorrow. Stage has been such a bond between the three of us. I still remember how nervous you got just before Tara, how painful it was for u to get slapped like that for the play. I still remember he told me that just my presence on the stage was such a reassurance for him. ‘It runs in the family’ was hilarious and I can’t think of any time spent till now which I hold so dear to myself. The rehearsals at dilkhush, the treat by Rani’s aunt and the hopeless dress rehearsal on D day. Ha ha. Glorious times which we’ll never see again.

Nagmandal was an even bigger production. More responsibilities, more tensions, more sour in its true sense. The final bow felt different, it was so different from Tara or It Runs…It felt like standing with strangers. I was happy for all of us having put up such a meticulous act but it still felt different. The happiness was mine, I quite didn’t share it with others like I did for the previous plays. We’ll not even talk about Don’t Dress For Dinner, its inconsequential and I felt utterly disgusted and jealous for not acting in the play. I swear. There’s only one thing that I have to say about Don’t Dress…you looked really pretty in that dress. In fact, my mom just asked me yesterday WHY I DON’T LIKE YOU. To convince her I had to tell her that you’re seeing somebody else. She knows you’re going tomorrow and when I told her that I think she felt a little sad about it. It’s really funny though! Ha ha…

So that’s good ol’ days revisited. Two years, mega fun and mega cold-wars. But I guess they both go hand in hand, mega fun and mega cold-wars. And perhaps that’s what makes it more special.

So here I am, signing off. June 24, 2005, bidding adieu to the craziest laughter in my friends list. I will really miss you. Actually, I will miss your laughter more. I’ve always wanted to ask, is your loud laughter a strategic publicity stunt?

I wish you the best of fortune and the best of people in times to come. Amen!

Till I see you next,
Me

PS- I didn’t talk about the whole B affair cos I think that’s a complete waste of time and space

PPS- This letter remains strictly between you and me. And I couldn’t think of a better birthday gift for you today